okay, so back in the mid-eighties i was living in a tiny-ish two bedroom apartment with more people than should have been crowded in there, as well as hordes more who would end up on the floor after one of our weekly bacchanals…
anyway, we were all drinking a lot, we were all smoking as much dope as we could get our hands on, dropping acid when it was available, and in general living the freak life.
so one night, somehow, under some chemical influence or another, we laughing created a religion… we worshiped the Hindu God of Surfing at the Temple of Misshapen Disneyland Guides. of course, being an ex-theology major, i couldn’t let that lie, so i came up with a ‘real’ theology to go with it. skip forward some-odd years, and a friend and i decide to hold a party at a con promoting the church… never quite happened, but we had beaucoup fliers ready to go.
found ’em recently… so here’s the text of the flier…
HAVE YOU WIPED OUT IN THE SURF OF LIFE?
ARE YOU BEING DROWNED IN THE UNDERTOW OF KARMA?
ARE THE SHARKS OF HOPELESSNESS CIRCLING IN?
“Behold, I go into the sea and surf. He who would follow me, let him take up his board and wax it, and I will surf with him, and he with me.” – Epistle of St. Ho, ch 2 v 3
Hello. We’re followers of M’oon Dok’kie, the Hindu God of Surfing. We’re a group of people, like yourself, who were once helpless victims of karma, tossed about on a rough sea, often dashed against the rocks. But we’ve learned the secret and we want to share it with you. It’s called KARMIC SURFING, and it can work for you too. We view karma not as a water slide tube ride, but as a great wide wave. The question then changes from “where will karma take me?” to “where on the beach do I want to land?” Once that question is changed, you can move on to more important questions like “which Beach Party has the best beer?”, “where can I get naked with my partner of choice?” and “how can i get sand off of/out of my privates?”, beginning to handle questions of COSMIC IMPORTANCE rather than little piddling matters like “why am I here?” and “who’s idea of fun is this anyway?”
“And M’oon Dok’kie came unto the beach, and after building a fire and popping the top of a brew, he did wait for those who would see the fire, come, drink beer, and commune with him concerning the waves.” – Epistle of St. Ho, ch 4 v 2
KARMIC SURFING helps you ride the wave front of your karma, acknowledging the direction your karma is taking you, but allowing you to choose your exact karmic destination from a wide range of possibilities.
It’s fun, too! With enough practice, you too could achieve the much-vaunted and highly-desired title of “Big Kahuna”, and be recognized by all as a KARMIC SURFER OF BITCHIN’ SKILL.
“And he spoke unto them saying ‘For inasmuch as you have hung ten on the totally awesome waves of your troubled karma and not wiped out, you shall be called Big Kahunas, and you shall go forth and teach others the way of the surf, being whooly and totally righteous surfers.” – Epistle of St. Ho, ch 5 v 5
When he was alive, we revered Don Ho as the Pope. Pope Ho, by his very existence and the example he set, taught us the ways of M’oon Dok’kie. Other all-important lessons we must learn at the Temple of Misshapen Dis***land Guides. (We’re sorry about the asterisks, but if we incur the Wrath of the Mouse, we’ll be in court for the rest of our lives.) At the Temple of Misshapen Dis***land Guides, we learn that no matter how perfect, pristine, planned and plastic life may seem, things can go terribly wrong. (Think of Annette Funi****o with three legs, four arms, and a face half melted off her skull in a Dis***land tour guide’s uniform.) It teaches us humility, for inside the Temple there is contained the Shrine of the Wiped-Out Kahunas, for even the greatest must fall from time to time.
“For M’oon Dok’kie so loved to surf that he gave up cruising around in his Woody looking for babes, that whosoever believed in him should not drown, but catch the everlasting wave.” – Epistle of St. Ho, ch 3 v 16
After the passing of Pope Ho, he status was elevated. He is now revered as St. Ho, Patron Saint of Karmic Surfing. Various Big Kahunas, while in drunken stupors, have channeled the spirit of St. Ho, transcribing his lessons, teachings, and stories into the ever-growing Epistle of St. Ho.
“And M’oon Dok’kie did commune with Big Kahuna Gidget, finding her plesing to his eyes as he was to hers, They did leave the fire, and go behind the rocks. The waves did crash and roll, and they did make the sign of the double-backed dolphin. And it was good.” – Epistle of St. Ho, ch 6 v 6-9
So leave your troubles behind, grab your drink, meditate upon the tiny bubbles, grab some marshmallows, and your board, and head for the beach.
listening to: Ashley – Green Day
mood: kinda down, not sure why, but overall okay