me and depression… so yeah, there’s that.
as far as i can tell, it started being a problem for me when Dorris took a contract in San Antonio, and i was only seeing her two days (more or less) every two weeks. it didn’t get nasty ’til she was in Plano and i’m seeing her three-and-a-half days every three weeks.
i don’t get suicidal – i feel useless, and as bad as it gets is “it would be easier on her and other folk if i wasn’t around”. (don’t worry, rationally i know better. but the funny thing about depression is it don’t give a fuck about what you know rationally) and yeah, if there was a magical “erase myself from existence” button, i might have pressed it a time or two.
my thanks to this artist for helping me vocalize that feeling:
this search for a therapist has been going on for close to two months – i’d fool myself into procrastinating, thinking i was doing better, that i wasn’t doing anything i wanted to do/get done because i chose not to, and coming to realize again and again “No, schmuck, you haven’t been doing anything but staring at the tv/playing vid games/reading/sleeping because you’ve been depressed.”
turns out i’m better at lying to myself than i thought. who knew?
so now, i’ve stopped procrastinating.
i remember the last time i was in therapy, back when i was living with Dave & Julie Pollard in Arlington.
it wasn’t a pleasant experience – if i didn’t leave the session feeling like i’d been put through the ringer, the therapist wasn’t doing their job.
i’d told my first therapist that if we got too close to something real, i’d start dancing around it, and i’d make it real entertaining, but to nail me down because i was in evasion mode. (you’d think i wouldn’t need to tell them this, right?)
she found my dancing Very Entertaining and refused to nail me down, so i found another therapist at the same clinic who would nail me down, and not enjoy the show so much they forgot why we were there.
helped me deal with some anger issues i was having at the time, and i’d have loved to continue – ’cause there’s a buttload of issues up in here – but didn’t at the time.
even with that successful experience, it’s been hard to actually do this – ask for help, make arrangements, call therapists and play phone tag with them. but it’s done.
now, let’s see what comes of this…
listening to: “Cherry Bomb” – The Runaways
mood: overall, pretty good