How To Handle My Hate

so today, i’m reeling from the news from Orlando.
the worst mass shooting in American history. what a rotten, fucking way to make the record books.
and i think of the comments of politicos, one of them the nominee of a major party, their hate-filled screeds spewed out indiscriminately, and i think of the religious zealots of all faiths who make it their mission to kill in the name of their small, petty, and heretical conception of their god.
i think of the shooter, who has already gone on to whatever, if anything, waits him beyond this life. if there is an afterlife, i believe his will be torture. either there is a place of torment (which i’m not sure i believe in at any time), or he has now been faced with the reality of the Creative, and will punish himself for his betrayal of what he should have been, what he could have been.
my mind goes skipping through a wealth of fantasies, presuming not only to judge those i feel are guilty, but to punish them as well, and yeah, it feels good, but i also know what we feed, grows.
i don’t want my hate and anger to grow.

so… alternatives.
what we feed, grows.
i’m choosing to feed my compassion. to focus my mind and heart on the survivors, forcing down the urge to focus on why they’re in such pain. to send my prayers and energy toward them. if we had it, i’d be sending money as well.
i’m choosing to focus on the question of education. how to promulgate the idea that this sort of violence, and the emotions and beliefs behind it, are wrong, evil, and should never be seen as the will of God.
i’m choosing to put my energy into the positive, because the alternative helps no one, and actively harms me.
i’m not saying i won’t have to have this argument with myself again – i will, probably several times a day.
but i’ve decided, for myself, that i cannot let hatred eat me. not now. not ever.
not ever again.


listening to: “On the Road Again” – Canned Heat
mood: struggling

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