so, i lost my mother back in September, lost my aunt in January (if i’m remembering correctly)… other than, perhaps, crying for my mother in my dreams once (with no confirmation that i did so outside my dream), i have not mourned. not even today – Mother’s Day was just another day. far more important was that my wife was heading back to San Antonio.
now, before you go saying “that’s way fucked up, Jim” – yeah, i know. real well aware of that. you think i don’t know i’m screwed up in the head? not a shocker to me, really. in fact, the whole lack of mourning thing is one of the reasons i need to get off my ass and see about getting pre-certified through our insurance for some counseling.
the other side of that particular issue is a little more difficult to explain, but i can illustrate it.
when friends die, i mourn. i weep, i wail, i am miserable.
when my maternal grandmother, the woman who raised me for the first thirteen years of my life, passed away, i mourned, but more noticeably, i started having some pretty severe anger issues. enough that they led to my first bout of therapy (which also was loooong overdue).
interestingly, and suspiciously enough, i’ve been having anger issues since September… some really nasty ones. there’s been a metric fuckton of dark shit pouring out of my brain onto ‘paper’, most of which almost no one has ever or will ever read.
so, it seems that i’m willing to cut my friends a lot of slack for dying that i’m not willing to cut my family. and i guess in a way that’s understandable – if we operate on the premise that my ‘blood family’ is more important to me than the people i’ve brought into my life and made ‘family’. that’s not how i want things to be, though, given my relatives’ opinions of me and how i live my life. and it’s most definitely not how i consciously think. while there are only a few people who’s opinions of me i actively give a shit about, if it were up to my conscious mind, most of the rest of the people in my life’s opinions would weigh far more heavily than my family’s… i mean, most of y’all might hit a ‘2’ on my “Give-A-Shit Meter”, my family rates in the “-10” area… at least in theory.
so, at this point, my theory is that, for whatever fucked up reason, my mourning process is short-circuited into an anger response… but an anger response that doesn’t – apparently – aim itself at Mom or my Aunt, but sort of shotguns itself in other directions. so, if i’m so fucking smart, and i have a working hypothesis as to the source of the problem, why can’t i work through this on my own? (that’s a rhetorical question, for those of you playing along at home.)
y’know, assuming there’s an Afterlife, and Anyone behind this all, i’m going to be asking “would it have been so hard to include a user’s manual?” not the advanced shit, just maybe something like “Being Human for Dummies”. and no, i don’t want any recommendations of good books to read on the subject. goddamn it, the manual should’ve been included straight from the factory.
fuckin’ shoddy way to run a goddamn universe…
listening to: “I Am Iron Man” – John Debney – “Iron Man II” score
mood: really kinda distant