‘Cause It’s Been Fuck Near Three Months…

okay, first off, it occurred to me recently i’ve gone from occasionally filling in for Clay, our Speed Writing Meetup group’s moderator to hosting, with the help of Sister Lori Thomas and Empress Deb DeFreitas, online speed writing 2nd, 4th, and 5th (should one occur) Wednesday nights, and hosting first Saturday of the month Speed Writing  for Round Rock Writers Guild, as well as paying to make sure the room is reserved for us.
“Hi, my name is Jim, and I’m a speed-writing-aholic.”
i gleefully blame Deb, as she’s the one who took me to my first speed writing meeting. thank you, Deb, thank you ever so much.

tonight as i prep to head for bed, i’m thinking about all the people in my life that i care about, and who care about me… and all the people i don’t care about, and who don’t care about me… and all the people for whom i would gleefully accept the karma load of roasting on a spit… and all the people i’ll never know, and who’ll never know me.
The Creative wants me to love all these people.
some of them, that’s a very easy thing to do. some i have to work on at varying degrees of difficulty, the last set i have to love in abstract, by showing empathy with and sympathy for every human on the planet (in theory).
but that third group… that fuckin’ third group…
i’ve always found a lot of hypocrisy in the whole “hate the sin, love the sinner”, since it’s so extremely difficult to achieve, but too damn easy to mouth. and i don’t generally think in terms of “sin”… i think in terms of “evil”. and from where i sit on the political/social/economic lines, there’s mega-metric-fucktons of Evil in humanity. and as most of you know where i sit on those lines, you can probably guess at a lot of people i view as, in a perfect world (you know, the one where i’m in charge), “kill on sight”.
so yeah, the people i’d prefer to see dead, the smaller subset i’d want to help kill, the even smaller subset i want to kill all on my own, in a very private place, so i can keep pretending no one knows about the monster inside me (yes, i KNOW we all have our monsters, but i like to pretend y’all don’t know about mine, so fuckin’ deal with it).
how do i even attempt to love those people? the thought of their very existence seems to me to be a curse upon humanity, all we’ve built, all we’ve learned, all we aspire to. i feel they’re a disease, a disease that’s spreading faster and faster.
can i find a way to love that third group of people, without ridding myself of my desire to see them in pain, and dead?
ain’t no answers here, just stuff i’ve been pondering on, especially today.

 

mood: contemplative
listening to: “Killing Strangers” – Marilyn Manson

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